I'm kind of depressed today. No, more than kind of. I am depressed today. Part of it is because I feel we are in a holding pattern. Waiting for court, waiting for appointments, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's been twelve days since she last ran. Eleven days since we got her home.
This is when I struggle the most, I think. It's hard to take action and get her help when she seems so "normal".
I'm struggling with being overwhelmed too. Next week we have two appointments, summer school for Cassie, Chris is at camp, the small group which I lead (and need because it keeps me connected spiritually with other Christians), three graduation parties, worship team practice, and a "date night" blessing which fell into our laps. On top of that I work my normal 21 hours plus I'm being asked to go over and work at the paper in Waseca from 9-4 on Monday (instead of my normal 8-1:30 in St Peter) and also to go over on Wednesday and/or Friday. And coming up at the end of June/beginning of July are two weeks in a row where I'm supposed to work 8-5 every day due to others being on vacation.
Yup, that's me screaming in type. It's what I want to do physically. I am so overwhelmed! My heart always has been, and remains today, in my home. My heart's desire has always been to be a full time wife and mom. Why can't I have my heart's desire? I feel like we live on nothing as it is, and I can't figure out how to cut our budget any further, but we'd have to cut it a loooong way for me to stay home. I can barely handle the 20 hours/week I've worked for the past several years, let alone 40 a week for two weeks in a row and the other times I have to work longer hours. I want more than anything to be a good mom, a good wife, a good housekeeper. Those are my values. Those things are where my heart is. To have a clean, organized home. To be there for my kids when they need me. To have energy for my husband when he needs me. To have time to pray and read my Bible daily. To be there for my siblings and mom when they need me. And I don't feel like I'm doing any of it well. I feel like everyone is getting the short straw, including myself. Days like this I just want to run away, or crawl into a hole and die, or just curl up in a ball and forget everything. If I can't do it all right, I don't want to do any of it. I don't know what to give up. I don't know what to say "no" to so that I can handle the rest of it. I just know that I can't handle everything that's on my shoulders right now.
I have a Children's Mental Health Worker coming to my home on Monday at 5 and my home is a mess...really, a mess. Stuff everywhere...our own messes plus Mom and Kate's stuff from when they left, the floors need sweeping and scrubbing, the papers need filing, the dishes need doing the clothes need washing, the bathrooms need cleaning (really, really need cleaning!). The rugs need vacuuming. The bedrooms are a disaster. And yes, I should be doing that right now instead of typing on the computer, but I needed to let this emotion out before I just shut down. I've been cleaning for three hours and I still would DIE of embarassment if the county walked in right now.
Please, please pray for me. I need solutions. I need some of this load to lighten because I can't carry it all. I'm not trying to limit God, or put Him in a box, but short of a miracle in our lives, I don't see how I'm going to make it through the next month.