Wednesday, March 10, 2010

broken heart

My heart is hurting tonight. As a mom, it's heartbreaking to watch your child be in pain when there is nothing you can do about it. Casi is sooooo depressed! She hates school. Doesn't feel like she has any friends. Only wants to be with her boyfriend. Wants to quit school and move up North with him but doesn't want to wait until she's 18 to do it. :-(

I wish I could take away the pain!!! I know that I can't. I know that God doesn't want me to. I know that through the pain she'll grow stronger and be a better person for it. I know that she WILL make it through this! But that doesn't make it any easier to watch her go through it!

So many things in life right now are just barely tolerable. And nothing I can do to change any of it. Except pray. And wait. And hope that something, soon, will upset the status quo and things will change in my little world.

I keep saying to myself over and over that I cannot control how other people act, only how I REact to their actions. But it's hard. Oh, it's so hard! It's hard to keep doing the right thing. It's hard to keep my attitude right. It's even hard, at time, to trust in God to handle it all! I'm such a perfectionist and control-freak. I know this! I like those qualities in myself sometimes. Other times, I hate them. When they make my life easier, I love them. When they make it harder to deal with stuff, I hate them. Makes sense, right?

Oh, how I wish I could make things better for everyone! Marriages. Finances. Relationships. Emotional health. Physical health. Attitudes and moods. Choices. "If I ruled the world" runs through my mind right now. Good thing I don't!! Good thing God is bigger than all of us and knows (really KNOWS) what's best and what's right and what needs to happen.

I'll just turn to Him, once more. Turn to Him and trust Him. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak (O, Lord, give me strength please!). Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall (how true that is! I watch it happen almost daily!). BUT THOSE WHO HOPE IN THE LORD (I do, I do! I hope in Him! He IS my only hope!) will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not be faint.

This is what I cling to. He is who I hope in. He is I Am and I'm SO THANKFUL for that! I'm thankful for His strength. I'm thankful for His power! I'm thankful that He knows all, is all, is everywhere at every moment. Not limited by time or energy or finances or emotions or health or anything!

K, I'm going to go upstairs and lay down and cry and pray now. My heart still hurts. I know He's got it, but it still hurts. Love you all.