Thursday, January 8, 2009

Today (and tomorrow)'s been two months since I've updated! Crazy! I had no idea it'd gone so long. Sorry about that, but typically no news is good news! 

So that means it's not good news that I bring as I visit my blog tonight. It's been a roller coaster of a day and I just need to type out what's been happening in our life the past 18 hours. It started out amazing! Last night at church we had a special speaker and he was talking about prayer. He mentioned a book called "The Hour That Changes the World" and it's about a challenge to spend one hour a day in prayer. And, like he said most people would think, I thought "yeah, right, an hour?!? What would I pray about for an hour!". He also mentioned that if you ever feel the desire to pray, that it's the Holy Spirit calling you to spend time with God in prayer. I don't remember often feeling the "desire" to pray, although I talk to God continuously through my day. But this morning when I woke up, I really felt the urge to spend an hour in prayer. So I set my alarm for an hour, turned on my newly-burned worship mix CD and entered into His presence. It was awesome! I can't say I could have gone on forever, in fact, right at the one hour spot my LIFE started to intrude on my thoughts and time. But it was a great time with the Lord! 

So I come out of this spiritual "high" to a call from Dar that he's on his way back to St. Peter. Apparently he was driving to work this morning (at 65 mph!) and blacked out. He was still conscious, but everything went dark. He was able to pull the car over to the side of the road and stop when he felt the wheel hit the ditch. It took about a minute or two for the blackness to go away and for him to see again. He waited about ten minutes more and then drove the twenty minutes to the St Peter Hospital where they ran some tests and then transferred him to ISJ in Mankato. I got to Mankato about 10:30 and sat with him while they did a chest x-ray, and an EEG (see pics of that on Facebook!). When I left him at 6pm they were just taking him down to do an MRI with the plans to do an echo-cardiogram (?) in the morning. 

I came home, fed the kids and went to worship team practice. When I got out of that at 9pm I had a friend from church bring me from my house up to the St Peter hospital to get the car that Dar was driving this morning from the parking lot and bring it home. On my way home from that Dar called me. Apparently a spot showed up on the MRI that the neurologist wants to take a closer look at, and she's concerned that it might be an aneurism. I came home from that news to help the kids finish their homework, calm an explosive situation with Cass, and keep myself together until they were in bed and I could process the events of the day. 

And it was at that point that I broke down in tears after keeping it "together" all day long. I think part of is that the word "aneurism" is a huge trigger for me since that's what mom had when I was pregnant with Christopher 12 years ago. I almost lost her then and after she came out of the surgery alive, watched her life disintegrate into pieces. She went into a deep depression, hers and dad's marriage fell apart, she lost her ability to hold a job. She and Dad had such dreams! Their marriage was the one that everyone thought would last forever and the aneurism triggered the events that would destroy the "indestructible" marriage. So I think I'm afraid that the same could happen to Dar and I and I'm terrified! I LOVE my husband! He's my friend, my life partner. We laugh, oh, do we laugh together! We cry together. We love together. Together we are raising our kids and working through the issues of raising a very strong, high-spirited daughter with ADHD and a son with some serious anger issues. Together we sing on the worship team. Together we work through our spiritual battles and keep each other accountable on issues of integrity, character, purity, salvation and faith. We have dreams together! We want to get at least one motorcycle (preferably two!) and travel the country. We want to operate a Christian nightclub with live bands and karaoke. We want to finish getting out of debt. We want to take the kids to see the mountains in Colorado or Montana. We want to take them to see the desert. We want to go back to Duluth to celebrate our 16th anniversary. 

I don't want to lose him. God, I really, don't want to lose him! 

And so, I turn to God. Because He's the only one who can handle this anyway. He's had it in the palm of His hand since before Dar was even conceived by his parents. I didn't know yesterday what today would bring, and I don't know today what tomorrow will bring. But I will put my hope and trust in the One Who holds my tomorrows in the palm of His awesome Savior & Friend, Jesus Christ. He's everything I want and everything I need! Even if everything else in my life falls apart, I've still got Him and no one can take that away from me. Who else would I even dream of turning to with my fears and pain but the One Who created this amazing universe in the first time, Who set time in motion, Who established marriage and families for us to enjoy companionship and fellowship with other humans, Who brought Dar and I together 18 years ago and kept us together through some really hard times in our marriage. Who else would I turn to now? Only Him. Always Him.

So now I'm off to bed and as my mom suggested, I'll picture myself curled up in His mighty hand with His other hand covering me and protecting me, and I'll rest in His hands. Only He knows what tomorrow will bring...

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