Thursday, October 23, 2008

Yes, I'm still alive

I figured it's been a while since I last posted so I should at least let you all know that I'm still alive. I'm really, really struggling right now. Life just seems overwhelming to me. I've seen a doctor she did not recommend depression medication, which was suggested to me by a very good friend. She said to try and get more sunshine and exercise, to find people to talk to, and to do some things that I enjoy. So I'm doing those things, but it's not helping a whole lot. 
I'm overwhelmed at work. My boss is on vacation and I'm trying to fill in for what she does. And even though she's been training me for several weeks, and I'm fairly comfortable with the actual process, it's still very stressful. It's also inevitable that problems will arise that are out of the usual when she's gone. 

And then there's this struggle that God and I seem to be in lately. There's a song by Barlow Girl called Never Alone which I've never understood exactly before, but which now makes perfect sense to me. 

Here's the lyrics:

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

There is this verse in the Bible that talks about if a child asks for bread, that it's parent won't give it a stone. And how if we, being evil, do these good things for our children, then how much more will our heavenly Father do good things for us. Problem is, lately, it seems like every time I ask for bread I get a boulder thrown at me. 

In fact, I'm almost afraid to ask Him for ANYTHING right now because I'm kind of afraid of what He'll give me instead. Cuz I can be fairly confident that it will be pretty much the opposite of what I've asked for. But I'm used to having constant conversation with Him, so I catch myself starting to pray, starting to ask for something, and then I stop myself. And then I feel guilty for not praying. It's like being in a fight with your best friend. And I don't want to feel this way, and I'm trying to choose not to feel this way, but it's always there, like a big pink elephant in the room...I just can't ignore it cuz it's not going away. 

Don't get me wrong. I believe in God. I love Jesus, the Holy Spirit and God. I am trying to draw closer to Him because He says that if we draw closer to Him then He'll draw closer to us. I'm trying very hard to serve Him. I'm also trying very hard to be respectful and I apologize to Him and all of you if this blog seems disrespectful to God. That's not my intention. I'm just very frustrated and really don't know what to do with all of this.

I'm still struggling so hard with Gracie's death. I read her mom's latest journal talking about how she's trying to go on with life, with her husband on the road working, with her going about with "normal" routine with their 3-year old, and struggling so hard that her time with Gracie is over, that it almost seems as if it didn't happen. But it did. So many of us prayed so hard for God to heal her. And He chose not to. It's just like we all prayed SO HARD for Him to heal Joel, and He chose not to. And another story I've been following, so many people prayed so hard for Him to heal Isaac, and He chose not to. 

I just don't get it. I don't understand. My heart breaks for these wounded mommies that are all around us, who have lost their children and are going through a pain that most of us could never understand without going through the same thing. But their hearts are broken, and they still have to go on with life because they have husbands, or other children still walking this earth, or jobs, or whatever it is that they need to continue on for. But they are walking around with broken hearts because they've had to bury their children. I just don't understand why these children have to die! 

And my heart is broken too by their passing. He grew this love in my heart for these children and their moms, He led me to pray, in faith, that He would heal them, and then He didn't. I just don't get it. And my heart hurts so badly for them and there's nothing I can do to help them! I'm even afraid to pray for them because if He continues answering my prayers with opposites, then what will happen to them if I do pray. 

Ugh...I need to go and get some sleep. I have to work tomorrow morning and finish putting the paper together and send it to the printer. Cassie and Chris are going to the Halloween dance in Kasota and then having friends overnight. Then my friend is coming over to scrapbook with me on Saturday. Maybe getting some creative juices flowing will help lift some of this sadness that has crept into my soul. 

I'm planning on going tanning on Monday and I've heard the Vitamin D in the light is supposed to help depression too. Thanks to Jenn for that gift! Something has to work because this really sux right now. I never understood what Mom was talking about when she was struggling with depression without medication. I just thought it was a choice to feel better or not. Sorry Mom...I had no idea. 

Good night all. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Maybe the sun will shine. Maybe work will go smoothly. Maybe...

2 comments:

Bekki said...

Kendra, Just remember that God does things to test us and make sure we really do believe in him. Alot of things will happen in our lives that we will never be able to explain, however we need to keep our trust and faith in him. I believe that maybe he saw Gracie much happier with him with what she was dealing with. Keep your chin up! LOL, Bekki

Kristin said...

Hey Sunshine,

Your clouds have become stormy. God is your wind to blow them away.

You do not bring sadness to others with your prayers. Pray your prayers God knows what is in your heart.

Kristin